Beer goggles or a social disease?

My friends, I have a confession to make.  I think I’ve figured out what happened to my TNT pattern, the infamous B5147.  Let’s recall the travesty that was tweed, shall we?

Notice anything besides my pajamas strewn willy nilly on the floor behind me?  Look closer.  First there’s the embarrassment of riches in the bust region and then there’s the just plain embarrassing stomach bulge.  OMG!  You guessed it.  Yep, you’re right.

I’m now pleasantly plump.  If I had one of those turkey pop up indicators inserted into my abdomen, it would be popped.  I’m done people.  I’ve reached critical mass if not my personal best ahem, bottom.

How could I have not noticed the weight gain you ask?  Well, yes, I have been stepping on the scale occasionally, but those extra pounds were just water weight; they didn’t represent real weight gain.  C’mon!  Yeah, I look in the mirror occasionally when I get ready in the morning to put on my make up or when I forget to avert my eyes when stepping into the shower nude.  But, I’m here to tell you that nothing tells you the truth more than a beloved TNT pattern.  Not your mom, not your best friend.  And not, apparently, your own eyes.

How did I realize that my eyes were not being truthful with me?  Obviously my tweed dress was the first hint (let’s ignore the scale for now, shall we?).  But there were others if I’m being all honest and such, like the first date that never turned into a second date (the guy actually yawned, several times), the fact that no man under the age of 70 looks at me.  You know, stuff like that. 

The clincher though was when I received the proofs from our recent photo shoot.  I was appalled by what I saw in those pictures and none of it had to do with the actual photography (which was amazing by the way).  I had double and triple chins.  I had a torso with no waist and a bulging tummy.  No wonder the tweed B5147 didn’t fit.  I must have gained weight in the bust area too and they must be hanging a little lower as well lately, which is why those darts looked like they were on crack. 

You know how there’s an epidemic of body dysmorphia among pre-teens and teens in the U.S.?  These kids think they’re fat when they are anything but.   Well, there’s a little known disease of the exact opposite phenomenon, called body eumorphia.  It’s a common ailment that usually afflicts only men.  I’m sure you know of it:  it’s when you think you’re hotter than you actually are.  That’s gotta be what’s wrong with me. 

Seriously though, I’ve gained some weight lately, despite the running.  I guess the daily white chocolate bars and salt & vinegar chips might not be the smartest diet.  And since I am only 5’4″, even a 5 lb weight gain can be dramatic on my frame. 

Part of my shock is from me not going gently into that dark night which is aging.  I still feel immature young.  I still have high energy and joie de vivre.  But my metabolism believes I am old and just need to sit on the couch crocheting granny squares or something.  It doesn’t help that I don’t get a lot of sleep due to late night sewing binges. 

So I have decided that, at the worst possible time of the year to do so, at the holidays, I have to go on a crash diet.  No more white chocolate (except for that one bar today) and no more salt & vinegar chips.  I don’t know what real people eat other than those two important food groups, but I’m sure it’s probably green and bitter.  😉  I’m just kidding, I actually love veggies.  I do think the key is sleep though.  I’ve heard that people who don’t sleep well or enough get fat really easily because they are substituting food for rest to get the energy to make it through each day. 

The bottom line is not whether you think I’m overweight or not, but what I think.  Because it’s me who has to live with myself.  It’s me who has to look at myself in the mirror every morning as I get ready.  It’s me that has to be happy.  I’m not saying I want to look like a starving runway model.  I just want to look like me again.  The me that was happy with my body and didn’t think about it.  The me that felt good about myself.  I was never model worthy, always carrying a couple of extra pounds, but I was ok with that.  Heck, I was better than ok with that, I was happy.  I don’t want someone else’s ideal.  I want mine.  I feel encumbered by my body right now, like I’m wearing someone else’s skin and weight. 

I have no idea how I’m going to do this, but something’s got to be done.  I want to feel like me again.  Wow, I’ve really kind of ranted when all I meant to do was be funny.  I think I’ll just press publish before I lose my nerve.


27 responses to “Beer goggles or a social disease?

  1. Well, I can’t see any weight gain in your recent photos but I’m not living in your clothes 🙂 You know, the more I sew, the less I do anything else and that can make for a body that is not as toned. Tone is a big deal when it comes to fitting into one’s clothing, IMO. I wish you a good nutritional and lifestyle overhaul. Not diet. You know those just backfire eventually (at least at this time of year!) I bet if you just take it one little change at a time, you’ll be back to your best self in no time.

  2. Yes, I agree with K-Line – it has to be lifestyle change. I can so relate to your post, looking in the mirror and thinking you look okay until you see the photo!
    All the best.

  3. You are hilarious. I know you are not feeling great about your body at the moment, but you still pull a lot of humor from the situation. If it is any consolation at all, I feel better about aging now than I did at your age. It seems to go in cycles where there is a tough phase, followed by relief. Yes – I actually feel relieved now that I am firmly into middle aged territory. No more struggle to “pass” for young. I hope you feel better asap!

  4. Fantastic post! Funny too.

    Yes, I’ve been there too, and it was a photo at work that pulled me up.

    Thanks so much for sharing that with us all and enjoy your lifestyle change (not a diet!)

  5. You are too funny! I totallly noticed more belly bulging the other day and it’s not even Thanksgiving yet! So… I’m slowly getting back in to running… bleh. Hehe.. hope you don’t diet for Thanksgiving… I’m definitely going to enjoy the meal! 😀

  6. I think you look marvellous and I haven’t noticed any weight gain in your photos. I have the opposite problem – keeping weight on.

    The recipes from this website are insanely delicious: Healthy, light, and it tastes like real food!

  7. Well the good news is that you feel any weight gain in your own clothes way before anyone else has noticed so you still look good. But I know what you mean, it is how you feel that matters. When I hit 40 this summer my answer to my mini mid life crisis was to see a personal trainer twice a week. It is quite torturous but knowing he is going to weigh me at the end of each month and probably punish me even more if there are no results is quite good motivation!

  8. You made me smile and laugh. I agree with everything you said! I have body eumorphia too. The reality check of patterns is sometimes an un-welcomed shock. I also agree with Allison, the good news is that you’ve noticed a small weight gain before anyone else can. And I agree with you, sleep is very important. Not just for staying trim, but for staying healthy, aging well, and feeling balanced and happy. Mom’s have very little personal time, especially single moms. It’s tempting to carve out a little personal time from your nightly 8 hours.

  9. Good luck with the weight loss. While you don’t *need* to loose weight I can understand entirely about wanting to loose those stray kilos – I’m on that mission at the moment. Ive downloaded some apps for my phone to help me eat right and have cranked up the exercise. I however have the added incentive of it currently being spring here in oz.
    And again, good luck!

  10. Salt and vinegar crisps are my downfall too 😦
    But I totally agree with the comment above about sleep. The less sleep I get, the more coffee and chocolate I consume right around 4pm.

  11. I think you look beautiful, but I also know change is hard, especially in the body, so I wish you success with you lifestyle overhaul. Even when staying the same weight, I find that aging redistributes/shifts my body, so that may have something to do with your fitting issues as well.

  12. I fell your pain – at 5ft nothing, the 6 or 7 extra pounds I’ve put on is really uncomfortable – and there’s nothing like a 4 yr old enjoying ‘watching your tummy wobble’ to bring that home – photographic evidence is just the icing on the cake – if you’ll forgive calorific references!! Best of luck!

  13. LOL I thought initially that you were saying that you are pregnant! Seriously, I got halfway through the post before I realized you were talking about weight gain. Good luck with the weight loss. Your plan to cut junk food should be helpful.

  14. Great post! It is a whole lot easier to realize you need to loose 5 lbs – than 30-40 later:) I am at least 20 years older than you and I still feel young!! That is a good thing even if my body continues to argue with me. Keep a daily eating journal – writing it down helps me not eat that chocolate (or at least not as much).

  15. Sewista Fashionista

    I have seen your picture and I know you must be receiving attention from men well under the age of 70! Five pound fluctuations notwithstanding.

    I threw out my scale, (my daughter stood on the clear plastic part and cracked it, then for some obscure reason the cat peed down the hole!!!!!) But I digress. What I am getting at is that I just use my clothes and measurements. I think you assessment of your dress is a good measure of your body state. I am not going into if you have body dysmorphia or euphoria, but as a sewer you are going to be more tuned into changes in your form. I think your five pounds is very doable, probably just stopping the salt and vinegar chips and substituting something more healthy. Best wishes to your good riddance of extra weight.

  16. OMG, I wish it was just 5 lbs that I had to lose, but if I want to get to my pre-pregnancy weight, I have to lose 25 lbs!!!! 25!!!! That seems insurmountable. *heavy sigh*

    And Claudine, don’t speak such words aloud!!!! 😉

  17. I, like Claudine, immediately thought the worst (or best? 😉 ).

    I feel you. Although my weight’s only about 5lbs over where I want it to be, my muscle tone/fitness has gone totally to hell over the last 1-3 years. It *bites*

    Especially if your clothes aren’t fitting! Grr. I’m sort of “meh” about scales—I only bought one last year because we needed to monitor my daughter’s weight due to some medication she’s on—but fit is everything.
    As my cousin said to me when I was griping about it, “what’s one thing you can do every day to improve things?” In my case it was walking from the train to my office rather than taking the bus (about a 20 minute walk, but better than nothing) and taking the stairs up rather than the elevator.

  18. I, like Claudine, immediately thought the worst (or best? 😉 ).

    I feel you. Although my weight’s only about 5lbs over where I want it to be, my muscle tone/fitness has gone totally to hell over the last 1-3 years. It *bites*

    Especially if your clothes aren’t fitting! Grr. I’m sort of “meh” about scales—I only bought one last year because we needed to monitor my daughter’s weight due to some medication she’s on—but fit is everything.
    As my cousin said to me when I was griping about it, “what’s one thing you can do every day to improve things?” In my case it was walking from the train to my office rather than taking the bus (about a 20 minute walk, but better than nothing) and taking the stairs up rather than the elevator.

    Good luck!

  19. I’m going to fully support you in this. I’m one of those too who has insisted it can’t be that much weight. But, then I got on a scale and was fully 17 lbs heavier than I was two years ago. And, clothes don’t fit. And, I saw a photo of myself was was shocked. Not that I think I look bad, but I’ve looked better and as you get older it’s downhill.

    So, yes. I am with you. Im starting with cutting french fries. Alcohol is next.

  20. Oh, I also thought you were about to tell me you were pregant. Whew 😉

  21. More power to you, either which way. Make the effort about health and energy instead of deprivation, and it’ll be good. But remember the 5 unsolicitations on the jacket, and that’s a lovely picture of you in it. (Aren’t you also the home of theoretical clothes? Quite a way with words you have.)

    I do tend to fluctuate in weight, and am worried about ever developing any TNTs because of that.

  22. I feel it important to point out that the first date which never turned into a second date really probably wasn’t because of your tummy. It was probably because neither you felt you had enough in common to take it any further. There are people with way more of a problem than you who find their soulmates, and the issue is your confidence, not your waistline, assuming that you’re looking for more than just a cheap lay.

    Best of luck regardless 🙂

  23. Oh man, food is my downfall. I exercise the hell out of life, but even two workouts a day are not enough to counteract chocolate and chips (once you’re over the age of 30, at any rate). If you find a way to magically stop enjoying junk food please share your secret.

    Also, I think you are gorgeous.

  24. the clothes do tell, but sometimes it’s takes a while to sink in and before you know it it’s 20 lbs not 5. Being in the same boat I do wish you success.

  25. This is EXACTLY what I just realized too about my body. I mean how did I become a C-cup so late in the game? For most of my life I’ve been a 32B or 34B and now my measurements are 35 inches and a C cup? Whoa, something must have happened. Oh, yeah, I’m now 142 pounds when just two weeks ago I was 136. The thing is I haven’t been eating anymore than usual (also a lot of chips and pizza in my diet ) but my metabolism must have sunk too. Hang in there, we’re in the same boat. Good luck!

  26. First – if your date was bored then he was a loser to begin with. Le t a relationship just happen – to try to catch a winner with sexual attraction is the quick road to a broken heart. (Ok, enough of the Mommy talk). Health is more important than form – a vegetarian or vegan diet is an easy way to modify eating habits for life. Try the fullplate diet and live healthy. Make a few key changes and get used to them, and then make other changes as you are able. A key motto I learned – Hunger is natural, but appetite is learned. I am on this journey with you….

  27. I’m 5’4 too, and never paid much attention to my weight. Being healthy to me is more important that a number on the scale. I’m a recent vegetarian convert and I’m at the dojo 3x a week for different reasons (controlling depression). I walk to work and back, and I don’t own a car. A few years ago I gave up drinking, and that’s helped too. I don’t get much sleep either due to nightly sewing binges, but I try to get at least 5+ hours of sleep (which for me is enough).

    I also think of food as a lifestyle choice. I’m totally skeptical of crash diets! They are unhealthy and can wreak havoc on your metabolism. I think if you consciously chose to make healthy decisions as a lifestyle choice, it will help.

    And remember no matter what weight or size you are, being confident is the most important thing you can do to feel attractive. 🙂

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